Sunday, January 22, 2012

not a mid life crisis

This post is going to be a bit all over the place but it's been awhile since I last wrote here. In fact, it's been awhile since I wrote in general. One of my many new year's resolutions was to write on a consistent, in fact daily basis. Hasn't happened once. And I don't usually make resolutions or intentions as one of my wise yoga teachers suggested. But, after the past year of kidney-mania, I felt like I needed a more concrete structure to get me back on my creative track.

Didn't work.

There's so much I could/should be working on. The story of my donation journey, both in book and play form. The fiction idea my kids swear is what should be next on my to-do list. The initial proposal for a documentary I'm brainstorming with a friend. The intro to yoga book. A bigger arcing memoir (although I'm not sure who would read it). Even blogging, which I used to do just about every single day. 

I even gave up writing my morning pages last week after months of scribbling in the dark at 5:30am.

I'd bought myself a new laptop as motivation.

I swore I'd explore new coffee shops every day, to find a comfortable place to write. Only I gave up coffee last year. Hot chocolate too, which limits what I can actually buy if I went to one.

Somehow I'm not anxious about it. Not in the usual way I am when nothing's going on. Not in the dulled, complacent way I was when I was on meds for a year and a half. It's almost like things are starting to bubble slightly below the surface. People have been arriving at my doorstep lately, asking for advice, input, motivation for their own projects. There's karma in this that's nurturing my soul.  

I've been designing more than usual—as it's been awhile I forgot the flow I get lost in when working through a job. 

There's a purpose coming back that I lost for awhile. I'm connecting more after hiding away in a corner of myself, healing from all I'd been through. I think the kidney thing took much more out of me than I realized. Aside from the actual surgery, the months leading up to it and the recovery afterwards took a toll on my soul that's only now really starting to lighten. 

Which leads me to the above photo. My first tattoo. A thank you gift from my brother for my kidney. I wanted it to commemorate what was one of the most important experiences of my life. To remind me that I'm far braver than I think I am, when anxiety pops in for a visit. But I'm realizing it's also a symbol that it's time to move on. Get back to myself. Go forward and create again. 

That part of my life is over. It will always be with me but it's not my present.

I'm still not sure what my present will be but I'm making a sadhana, a 40 day commitment to write every day, both here and working towards whichever project feels like it's meant to happen.

Day one feels good. Sometimes I forget how writing has become so much a part of me.

No comments: