As usual, I'm waiting for someone to come and tell me what to do. Not in a "get the laundry going honey" or "you're running low on mint chocolate chip ice cream" or even "ok chick, time to get back to work" sort of way—I'm waiting for the person to give me guidance, send me in the right direction, to open doors, make connections, shine a light.
I'm waiting for my fairy godmother.
I've been waiting for her for as long as I can remember. Waiting for that person who would scoop me up, believing in me wholeheartedly, knowing from the bottom of her heart I have so much to offer, and then make it all happen.
Or at least something happen.
I used to think that person was an agent or an editor who would want nothing more than to nurture my endless flow of ideas into bestselling books. Ok, maybe I wasn't envisioning best selling, but at least I'd have support in continuing to create.
That hasn't happened.
I was hoping to find a collaborator who would brainstorm to the ends of the earth with me, who'd inspire and support, encourage and enhance. But I'm finding I often work better alone. It's scarier, but I know deep in my heart I can handle it.
A mentor would have been nice. A guru. A teacher. A guardian angel.
But, what I'm realizing (with more than just a little resentment), is that I've been waiting for me. Waiting for me to get out from behind myself. Waiting to accept that no one else can do these things for me. I'm seeing that unless I truly put myself out there, live on the edge, take chances, get closer to the fire, nothing big will ever happen. It's amazing what I've accomplished so far, from the corner of my living room, from back tables in coffee shops, anonymously hunched over my laptop, working tirelessly, obsessively, endlessly to fit the puzzle pieces of my ideas together. Spinning words, searching images, making something happen out of nothing.
I've been doing it without accepting that it's been me.
Maybe if I get myself a tiara and magic wand I'll feel more comfortable about being my own angel.
That could be a lovely thank you gift.