self care

I am pretty good at doing things for myself. Exercising, taking supplements, naps when I am so exhausted I need a break. But I don’t know that I excel at true self-care. My stress level is usually pretty high, I have all sorts of low level muscle aches, and pains that tell me, I am not respecting my body as well as I could and should be. I feel the tears pretty often these days and even though I meditate and practice, yoga and play with my dog and do creative things I still struggle. 

I mean, there was a lot of grief and loss and mourning over the past stretch. Learning to live with all of that, how it shapes and changes is still a work in progress. Giving up my quiet and independence to live with a growing up child who is now an adult is often a tight road walk and I’m never quite sure if I am balancing or about to fall into an abyss. Life sometimes. Challenging and rewarding. Joyful and overwhelming. Beautiful and heartbreaking. So I am taking this month to work on, settling and looking in word and finding peace no matter how chaotic everything may be.

parents

 I had a dream about my dad last night. He had a couple of shopping cards filled with what looked like junk that he was trying to give away, along with a raggedy, stained stack of photocopies with some sort of explanatory manifesto. My brother was yelling at him that this was just a stupid waste of time - no one wanted what he was giving. But my dad tried to explain his carts were filled with broken phones and cameras and he thought they might help people somehow. 

It was such a powerful dream I woke up thinking my dad was trying to be in touch with me and that I should reach out. That hasn't worked in the past. We've only spoken a couple of times, or maybe even once in the past 14 years. It wasn't a blow up parting of the ways, more a wicked stepmother who reveled in making me feel bad and me growing past that point. Healthy and good. Helped shape the parent I became and perhaps, more than likely, I swung too much in the opposite direction but I wanted my kids to know I had their backs no matter what. And they do.

So, I'm sitting with reaching out and knowing it won't get me anywhere and feeling residual sadness but also light at letting go of destruction and hurtful situations. Life sometimes is about that - knowing when it's time to let go.

thankful

 We hosted a party years and years ago after discovering we were on the parade route of the Village Halloween Parade. It felt mandatory to share that experience. As a gift someone brought us a witching powder from Salem, something meant to cast a spell and make a wish come true. I wished for the thought about the possibility of maybe thinking about the thought of having a baby - truly it was dipping the most tiny of toes into the most shallow of ponds. That's how I feel right now. I'm very cautiously, borderline contemplating, slightly thinking about the thought of writing. Not actually digging in and doing the work, doing the research, doing the practice of stringing thoughts into words, words into possibilities. But it's time to not necessarily figure out what's next, but rather open some doors so something can come through. 

Thankful for that. Thankful for so many things. Breathing deep and holding on and feeling grateful.

2024

I am generally not a big resolution person, but I’m feeling like saying some things out loud, or on a screen, will help them manifest.

My word for this year is connection. Working at home can be isolating and being social, connecting, seeing other people, engaging, takes works. This year I want to work on things that aren’t so solitary.

Practice more yoga. I don’t realize how much I am missing but it is feeling like something that needs to come back. 

Look for ways for my body to not hurt so much. Self care on many levels for this year. 

Back to big projects and interesting things to do. Grateful for all I’ve done but maybe I am ready to tackle more from a stronger place than I did in the past.

Not take on other people’s stuff. That’s hard for me but learning boundaries and limits will help.
Celebrating where I am instead of bemoaning, where I’m not. 
Letting go of letting anxiety run things. 
Appreciating my body instead of belittling it. 
Cleaning more. 
Finding a puppy. 
Smacking back at negativity and intrusive thoughts. 
Healing.