change

I spent much of my life dreading change but conversely have taken paths that throw change in my path at every step. 

I’ve learned to perhaps not embrace it but at least say hello to it as someone I might like in the end. 

Right now though I’m staring down a barren street, waiting for change to show up. Change to rational leaders and accountability for bad behavior and people believing in science and the end of alternative facts/truth. People caring about other people and the planet. Equity for more. Privilege to be something not to aspire to. Seeing my family in person. My business coming back. There are so many changes I’m looking forward to - some to what was some to things I couldn’t have imagined. 

Tomorrow is just another day. I’m not a fan of symbolism or ball drops or staying up until midnight just to acknowledge the divide between before and after. Having said that, I’m looking forward to 2020 being a construct of the past. 

moving

 As 2020 wraps up I've been thinking about more bright spots I've found in the general doom and gloom and darkness. I rediscovered yoga after a long stretch of disillusionment. One of my all time favorite teachers who left NYC years ago is teaching on zoom and those classes over the past few months have been a pure delight. How wonderful to move and flow again after thinking I never would. 

I also learned I love spinning. I'd only done a few classes in the real world and hated just about everything about them. Having a bike at home (it's been a month) when I can hop on and ride whenever I feel like it has been a game changer. I'd left cardio behind too and now I'm literally back in the saddle and working as hard as I can with people who inspire me to challenge myself. 

Turns out, after years and years and years of gyms and studios, that I like online exercise. It's lovely having space around me and not worrying about being kicked in the head or navigating through loudly chatting crowds to try and find my coat in crowded spaces.

It's remarkable to rediscover/discover practices that are good for both mind and body. I'm pretty sure if it hadn't been for sheltering in I wouldn't be at this place right now.

crafting

I was a super crafty kid, always making something or another. Much of it involved words so it’s no surprise that I ended up as a graphic designer. Back in the day though I had no idea what that was and my crafting ways were generally looked down upon as a waste of time - I should have been focusing on more academic pursuits. 

It took decades before I got over that mindset, went to art school and found things I excelled at instead of struggled with. Even then I never took what I did all that seriously. I thought lawyers and doctors to be far worthier than me and my silly little ideas to be, well, silly and little. 

Jumping forward a bunch I spent the sheltering in part of the pandemic crafting, an exercise I hadn’t dabbled in in years but I needed to be constructive and doing something. I started an Etsy shop, sold hundreds of messaging buttons and t shirts. I outfitted many with something to say and adorned parts of the resistance. Turns out my silly and little projects resonated with people, I found a way to put ideas floating through my imagination into the world. Today I’m working through newish ideas and will see what happens. I love that I’m still a work in progress. 

Just about my favorite comfort thing, well exactly my be all end all favorite comfort thing is my hot water bottle. To be a bit more clear it doesn’t have to be the specific water bottle I have at the moment - any full quishy, toasty hot water bottle that warms my toes or my belly or the small of my back fits the bill. 

My first hot water bottle was a gift. It was heart shaped which made it feel far less like something I’d use in am old age. I lived in a crummy walk up apartment with close to zero insulation. On super cold mornings we’d find frost on the floor. Periodically, or for stretches and of time our boiler would be out of whack so we’d warm our clothes in the oven and boil water to wash with and fill my hot water bottle as I huddled under countless blankets. 

Anyway I loved that gift. LOVED. When the seal broke and a slow leak developed I tracked down another. Eventually I came to terms with the generic version sold in drugstores and have happily used one of those ever since. Last night my hot water bottle lulled me to sleep and this morning, for the first time ever I think, I decided to be a bit lazy and stay in bed. Well that’s not the first time for that but it’s so cold I refilled my hot water bottle and now I’m back to cozy. 

Sometimes the most innocuous, unexpected, simple things bring the greatest joy. 

speaking out

Today I co-organized an action in Times Square naming the republicans who signed onto that idiot Supreme Court lawsuit trying to overthrow legal and legitimate election results in four states. I wrote copy, designed and produced signs, put together a costume, created buttons, pulled people together. We live streamed, were photographed, and filmed. People stopped to listen in person and watched online. It was powerful to have an idea and manifest it, to speak out and be heard. 

I wasn’t always this way. I used to hide in the background, afraid to be noticed. Today I was the first speaker, sharing thoughts abs ideas in a voice that’s getting louder and stronger with practice. 

expectations

There's something nice about not celebrating Christmas and therefore not being wrapped up in expectations. 

Yes, I love seeing family photos in matching pajamas and trees covered with lights and presents with ribbons and cookies for Santa. But I also know that best laid plans don't always work out as one, well, plans or expects or hopes or dreams. 

This SNL skit SO perfectly sums up why I'm happy to not be caught up in holiday craziness right now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOVCtUdaMCU

pee

11pm is my cut off. If I’m in bed, light out before then I usually get a pretty good night’s sleep. Even a minute after though and my night is fitful and restless. Ridiculous? Yes but that’s how nights work for me. 

Last night I got into bed just after 11, exhausted after 2 nights with a sick kid, ready to catch up and sleep deep. I had my hot water bottle, weighted eye mask, more pillows and blankets than one can imagine. My humidifier was filled. I turned the light off and settled in to settle down. One of my lovely pups hopped up and curled up on a pillow next to me. She quickly dozed off - it almost sounded like she was snoring, which kept me from falling asleep. I laid there, waiting for her to quiet down and eventually she hopped back up and left, something she does on a nightly basis. Only this time she left a smell. 

I rolled over to find her pillow soaked in pee. And the pee soaked through the sheet underneath and the mattress pad underneath that. Now it’s after 12 and any shot of a decent sleep is long gone as I stripped the bed, scrubbed the mattress, then spent the rest of the night at the very edge of one side, away from the wet spots we both created. 

There was one 2 hour stretch but aside from that I was up every hour, each time actively calming my thoughts, trying to doze off again. Today, I’ve now got loads and loads of unexpected laundry. 

Or, welcome to Christmas Eve which we won’t be celebrating at my brother’s for the first time in 30 or so years and my big one is half a country away. 

Or yeah, it’s 2020. 

off the beaten path

Tonight I'm working out how to put together an impromptu Statue of Liberty-esque outfit for an action I'm organizing on Saturday which is beyond the scope of what I normally, comfortably do. But, here I am with glitter foam, crown and torch patterns, sizable swathes of metallic spandex, tiny portable lights. 

I'd write more but this is something that is going to require focus and fortitude and feeling ok with not getting things right the first time I try - something that doesn't come naturally. 

Once I'm done photos will be posted for sure.

technology

It was a crazy day. 

My little one has been sick and thankfully we both got negative COVID test results back today. 

It’s unnerving to be sick right now. It’s unnerving to be living with a sick person right now. It’s hard to wear a mask outside all the time and then need to wear one inside as well. Breathing gets hard. But that’s not what this is about.

After two days of not eating the little one was finally hungry until I went in search of his favorite sandwich. I walked 10 blocks and realized, as I was approaching the store, that I forgot to bring money or credit cards with me. But, I was able to pay with my phone and I thanked the lovely man behind the counter who explained it all to me for helping me into the 21st-century. After that I headed back downtown, ready to stop off for my daily hot chocolate fix, a habit I give up regularly but then succumb to again.

I had deleted my Starbucks app years ago and thought, oh! I have no money but I can pay with the Starbucks app. Problem was, after several attempts to get in and having to reset my password, there wasn’t enough money left in the app to buy anything. I had to figure out how to add more money - couldn’t find anything in the redesigned app - only turns out the credit card attached to my account had expired. And, in the new app everything is based on facial recognition, which doesn’t work when you are wearing a mask. I was trying to do all this on crowded streets while walking to the shop. Oh and my fingers were freezing which made it hard to type. Technology came make things so damn hard when it’s supposed to make things easy breezy. 

Sigh. In fact I had to sigh again as I wrote all that. 

But, I got my hot chocolate, know mostly how to use Apple Pay, have a stash of cyber cash in my Starbucks account and my little one is feeling a whole bit better. 

waiting

In some ways waiting is the hardest part. 

For me worrying and waiting are inextricably intertwined. No matter how much I grow or change, how strong I feel, in that waiting space it can be a challenge to hold onto the light or even just be present when the here and now feels pretty ok.

I'm not a follower of solstices but today is one and my brilliant yoga teacher this morning talked about knowing the light is coming even on the darkest days.

Knowing the light is coming, even on the darkest days. 

After darkness comes light. 

There is balance in the force. 

Ok maybe that one was a little silly but maybe not. There is balance and sometimes when things are overwhelming and jumbled and too much, holding onto the temporary-ness of it all can be a switch flipper. 

Today I'm waiting on a whole bunch of things. Most immediate is a COVID test for someone near and dear and one for me. It's masks and solitude until there's news. My hands are cracking from washing them so much. I can't completely feel my feet since I'm leaving my windows as open as I can stand. I'm staying as busy as possible so as not to dwell and flirt with panic. And below all that I'm hoping. And maybe, just maybe, beyond that I'm watching and knowing it'll be ok no matter what it is.

looking forward and back

I'm staring down creating a Statue of Liberty crown for an upcoming action I'm organizing. It's all a bit exciting and daunting as I'm tackling things I've never done before—that's been a theme since the 2016 election and as I've been researching patterns and materials and figuring out how to pull this off I've also been thinking about how my life has changed in the 45 era:

I went to my first protest.

I started Trump Puppet Theater and created visuals I shared online for months. By the end videos were getting thousands of views and shares. 

I created the SHAME CAMPAIGN and sent tons of postcards to deserving government officials along with others who wrote with me.

I joined my very first Democratic club.

I ran for executive committee and served for 2 years.

I joined county committee and was elected secretary of my assembly district.

I ran for District Leader and lost by a vote.

I co-hosted a weekly online show called Real Politics: the TV Show.

I collated info and sent out a weekly newsletter with info about protests and actions around the city.

I spent a chunk of time with Rise and Resist, on their comms committee and their emergency decision making committee, working on their signage, website, and merch.

I discovered Sing Out, Louise! and am so exceedingly grateful to co-run things. It's the place where my organizational and styling skills come together. I've even written a few songs.

I've sung with SOL in front of the Supreme Court, the White House, locations all over NYC, the 92nd Street Y, on Sirius XM. 

I've marched at Pride, the Dyke March, March for our Lives, the Science March, the Women's March (and sang at most of those too).

I've been a Human Being with Gays Against Guns at multiple actions.

I run facebook groups and instagram accounts.

I was on the steering committee of a local activist group protecting neighborhood rights. 

I've been interviewed on TV, on the radio, in print.

I've text banked and post carded and stood on street corners canvassing. 

I've gotten to know local politicians.

I've made more buttons and t-shirts than I ever could have imagined. 

Some of that work is now part of the collection of the New York Historical Society.

I launched a PSA Etsy shop.

I've met the most extraordinary people. 

With this new project I started writing - something I mostly haven't done in my activist life. This new action is with an ad hoc group that I helped start. And to help shape something from the beginning that isn't a sing along is new too.

The past 4 years have been worse than the horror I imagined in 2016 and I envisioned some pretty heinous stuff. But, silver lining, it forced me to stretch and grow and speak up and learn how to fight, all things that are now part of my sparkly* arsenal.

*sequins and glam as every day wear is new too.

a moment of moderation

 Today I planned to write about moderation.

Then I spent almost 2 hours singing outside on a cold NYC day.

I made FUCK 2020 AND REPUBLICANS buttons and mailed them to bunches of people.

I sewed masks until my bobbin was empty.

I answered countless work emails.

I spent timing planning a super cool action for next week.

I walked dogs, went shopping, went out to outside dinner, talked on the phone, texted lots of people, organized laundry, and kind of cleaned my desk.

I'm about to hop on my exercise bike with my new heart rate monitor and hoping my knees won't ache too much.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day to to contemplate moderation.

glitter on the inside

A quick summary of the past few days. I:

• felt glimmers of writing again
• battled internally about whether or not it was a good idea
• was locked out of my old blog on Safari (took awhile to figure that bit out)
• decided to start something new
• polled friends on facebook about name possibilities 
• spent WAY TOO LONG figuring out how to set things up
• spent even longer putting together a header I was happy with
• consulted with a witch who told me I should be writing
• posted my first post
• almost didn't write my second
• someone asked why I didn't just stick with my original blog and keep writing there
• which was a totally valid point and so here I am, again 

Glitter on the Inside is a lovely name. Perhaps I'll use it for something else one day. Naming things is always my first step in a project. It felt good and also sort of scary to be thinking about creating this way again. I've had enough space and deep breathing in the years when I careened from project to project, too busy and overwhelmed back then to find balance or space or calm. The edge of too much was my uncomfortable comfort zone and I have zero desire to go back there. So, as I said in my exceedingly short lived blog before I came back here: baby steps.