quiet

Quiet.

Frozen.

Reduced.

Diminished.

Feelings and demeanors that have become a second skin. Words often escape me. Passion burns far less bright . Drive and depth, integrity and soul damped down to this place of small, of hiding, of bland.

Don't know when or how my voice and heart will return. Don't have much of a silver lining about it today. But perhaps there will be one later.

broken

I want to be able to fix everything.

But sometimes I can't.

I wish I could make things better, take away pain, solve problems, bring things to a better place.

But it doesn't always work that way. In fact, it generally doesn't.

Sitting in unknown, waiting, hoping, worrying, dealing is all I've got right now.

And damn, it's hard.

change

Change is inevitable and necessary but there are times I wish I could freeze time and just stay.

To soak it in as much as possible. To revel in the sweetness.

To savor those moments.

Moments filled with love. With joy. With silliness. With hilarity. With sweetness. With depth. With comfort. With bliss. With empathy.

Profoundly significant moments. And tiny ones as well.

All fade as time goes by and while I know there will be more, watching these fade is bittersweet.

nope

Today is not the day I go deep and am overwhelmed by inspiration and insight. 

Today was more stuck, cranky, moody, and a bit lost. 

We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

chosen

When I was younger, and went to religious school, we were taught that Jews were the chosen people.

I never could quite wrap my head around the concept of chosen people being so extraordinarily persecuted for thousands of years - that made no sense to my preteen self. Nor did the idea that a religion I happened to be born into made me special somehow. I didn't choose this. This was just how I came into the world.

Deep thoughts for a 10 year old.

Although, I wasn't thinking about it quite so deeply when I was 10. I felt something about those  mindsets didn't feel true or right.

Looking back, how extraordinarily divisive that was - teaching young children they're more important or more special or more loved or more honored than others. And yet, it goes on all the time, an insidious practice of judgement, often bordering on hate. Countries, religions, regions, sexes, races - everyone is in on this game somehow. Young is better than old, white is better than brown, men are better than women, north is better than south, thin is better than fat, abled is better than disabled, Christianity is better than everything else.

For too many, those mindsets are so ingrained, they're fact, noopinion.

What if we started looking at other people as humans and treated them with the respect we feel we deserve ourselves?

Like what if Mitch McConnell tried to understand how his healthcare bill would devastate people would need help? What if Betsy DeVos talked to transgender students about the struggles they have and she really listened? What if Paul Ryan paid attention to constituents instead of politics?

Crazy, right? I almost thought I was onto something for a moment or two.

when stupid fits.

One of the most heartbreaking things in this current political nightmare, is coming to grips with how many stupid people there are in this country. I grappled with using the word "stupid," but it's fitting: people who believe outright lies even when presented with facts, people who support this tyrant even when his policies will hurt them, people who think making this country great means turning our backs on every marginalized group in existence. 

Decency, kindness, tolerance, intellectualism, and acceptance are being thrown under the bus in favor of racism, bigotry, sexism, homophobia, white supremacy, islamophobia, anti Semitism, ableism, nationalism, intolerance, outright lying and more. Both in America and across the globe, the chaos and ineptitude of this administration have changed how we think and feel about government, politicians, allies, enemies, and democracy itself. And while it's reassuring to see that the government can't be toppled quite so easily, it's terrifying to live in the reality that it can be brought down to this level so fast. 

Silver lining: now we know what we're up against. And I know I won't be caught sitting idly on the sidelines again.

sigh

The juggle is intense right now.  

Positive and negative in waves.

Distracting but overwhelming. 

Sanity keeping but crazy making. 

Keeping stress at bay but almost stress inducing at the same time. 

My struggles, other challenges, the world at large - finding peace and calm in the chaos feels almost impossible at this point. 

And so this treading water, this never seeming to end juggle continues. 

Silver lining: those moments of beauty are more precious than ever.