change is in the air

2012 has been about change.

Moving on.

Letting go.

It's not easy. But, it's often inevitable.

In the next few weeks I'll be leaving two communities I've had such strong ties to for so long. Jack is graduating from 5th grade—we've been part of PS41 for 9 years. And Iz is graduating middle school. I've been PTA president there for almost 3.

People I've seen every morning will no longer be part of daily routine. In fact, my daily routines which have been set in stone for almost as long as I can remember will be over in 2 plus weeks.

Change.

I'm not embracing it. But I'm working hard not to be frozen by it.

For me that's a huge step.

going positive - day one

It's been a long time since I've written on a regular basis. There are many reasons for this.

Otherwise known as explanations.

Or excuses.

I'm thinking/feeling it's time to leave them in the past.

The challenge is that much of my blogging/writing has been angst-ridden. Venting. Emotional vomiting (a friend shared that term—pretty brilliant).

I don't want to do that anymore. While what I'm feeling may not be all that different than before, it's not what I want to put out in the world.

I'm going positive. And am hoping that writing it will help me be it.

Could be these posts will be exceedingly short. Incredibly challenging. Different than anything I've done.

But it's time to flow. To let my creative self back into circulation.

To go positive. One day at a time.

I'm committing to 40 days of this and then?

We shall see.

writing

This is the 4th post I've started tonight. I'm not as comfortable as I used to be spilling my guts and angst and emotional anorexia into cyberspace.

I've grown.

Or perhaps I've shut down.

I'm in a different place though and while I know I want to get back to writing I'm not sure what my door in will be.

Perhaps it's not blogging. Perhaps this go round it's actually working on a project. 

I haven't done that in so long. 

Flow came out almost 3 years ago and that experience changed me. For the better in some ways but not all. I was so burnt so abused so shut up so stifled I lost my voice and my drive to start something new. 

Maybe I lost it forever. 

Or maybe I'm just scared. Scared that there's nothing there. 

I know that's not true. I have plenty of good ideas to work on. But nothing that's driving me. 

Maybe that's the difference this time. I have to make it happen from a different place. A saner place a calmer, more rational place. Flow was a nightmare in so many ways and I'm thinking perhaps the fear of repeating that experience has kept the door locked.

It doesn't have to be that way again. 

Right?

Right. 

I'm making a commitment to myself to write every day for 40 days. Doesn't have to be blogging. Could be writing, working, conceptualizing, researching. 

Creating. 

Maybe all this angst will disappear when I let myself flow again.

Baby steps.

One day at a time.

Here I go.