Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Today was an old-fashioned, juggling, various pieces of my life colliding kind of morning. 

After walking the dog, getting 2 kids out and to school, and having a super quick coffee and even quicker conversations with various friends I hadn't seen since before the winter break, I had a FLOW documentary brainstorming session with several writers and producers, one of whom is an old friend, someone I adore but hadn't seen in awhile. After the meeting we spent time catching each other up and in a matter of minutes we touched on cancer, breakups, breakdowns, death, parenting, work, and kidney donations. 

There's been a lot going on. 

Head-shaking, daunting, soul-shattering stuff going on.

We sighed. We empathized. We nodded our heads like 2 little old ladies sitting out on a stoop in the Bronx, wearing babushkas, sharing the drama and illnesses and challenges we'd be living with.

In spite of everything we're both relatively ok. Dealing with what is. Appreciating where we are. Hoping the worst is over.  

It's life and it's not always easy. Sometimes it's impossibly, painfully, heart-crushingly hard. 

then went yoga where the theme was all about letting of of expectations and the challenges of being. Just being. After a lovely class that ended with a heavenly shivasana I had a remarkable conversation with my teacher about being present and letting go of trying so hard/too hard to get there.

From there I headed home where my puppy was waiting for me. I scratched her belly until we were both blissed.

Yes, it was quite the morning. Full of connection, movement, emotion, thoughtfulness, creativity, love, enlightenment, sympathy, pain. 

My life is so extraordinarily full. Sometimes all I can do is step back and take it all in. Sometimes I'm swimming in it, drowning in it, barely able to stay on top of the water. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by it all, all I can do is sleep more than usual to keep from losing it.

I'm feeling anxiety creep in. 

I'm scared of the road I'm on. There are times I can hold onto being in the moment and letting go of expectations, of the future, of control, but the truth is that more often I want to, need to know everything will be ok. That I'll be ok. That all will be fine in the end.

I once wrote something called "The Everything is Fine Book" and that's the mantra I need to hear when life gets to be too much.

Everything is fine.

And truly, everything is fine. Or at least it is the way it is and one can fight it or be fine with it.

I'm working on the being fine part. 

No comments: