breathing

The beginning of this year got off to a rough start and I remember hoping it would soon improve. But from here I can't being to recall what it was that was so challenging. Because this, right now, is pushing my envelope. A kid going to college. Another grappling with the transition to high school. A mom who's been in the hospital for over 2 months, battling crisis after crisis. My body navigating uncharted territory as hormones are in flux and can't commit to anything. A long stint doing important work that's about to come to an end. 

Sigh. 

I've lost track of how I feel. Where I am in space. I'm frozen yet running. Thrown continually into unknowns. I'm not sure how to act. What to do. How to cope. I cry far more than I usually do. I have tears in my eyes right now as my plane is taking off, shuddering in the rain, having just left my mom on a cardiac floor, heading home knowing everyone has held it together but will melt when I'm there. 

There are no breaks. No answers. No guarantees. 

And so I'm learning far more to appreciate moments. Not what will be. But what is. Sitting and holding my mom's hand. Watching baking shows with my girl who will be starting a huge new chapter in her life soon. Talking to random strangers and sharing snippets of each other's lives. Meditating every day. Breathing. Finding my ground. Loving as much as I can and making sure people know how much they mean to me. 

Being grateful. 

That and love are getting me through. 

next

I was on a writing roll. 

Then one more situation hit my plate that put me over the edge and shut me down again. 

In the blink of an eye everything can change. And even if things eventually pan out to not so bad, that moment, that phone call, that panic, that terror, that potential loss, that impending/imagined doom takes its toll. 

Staying open and unlocked is a work in progress. A delicate, tenuous balance. 

Baby steps. 

And gratitude that the worst didn't happen.